Sunday, November 23, 2008

guess my age

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent Php5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Dating Process

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself hehehe...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Yellow Cab

We ate pizza at a newly opened pizza place called Yellow Cab at a mall in Davao City. I had no idea that it was my idea that bought all eight of us to that place. By eight, I mean, my brother, my cousin, my sister and four of my sister’s colleagues. I just read on the newspaper that Yellow Cab had opened. It sounded like a great idea to visit the place. I just sent a text message to my sister. She sent a text message to one of her colleagues. Her colleague probably sent a text message to another colleague and there we were. We were eating pizza al fresco in a secluded mall.
I’ve tasted the Yellow Cab pizza in Manila a couple of months ago. The pizza wasn’t that greasy and it was rather tasty. But as far as pizzas go, it still tastes like a pizza although it is slighty more expensive than the other pizzas that we like to order. But in terms of satiety, I give it an eight or a nine. Other pizzas leave you with a feeling of wanting more. This pizza makes you so full that you’ll feel like crawling back to your car afterwards. In terms of taste, I give it a seven or a six depending on the flavor.
We had orderd one 14-inch New York special and one 14-inch sampler. We paired it with canned Coca Cola. I sampled three or four pizza flavors in one evening. I can’t say I remember the distinct taste of each. All I can remember is the texture ( it was slightly crunch ), the taste ( it was salty and spicy ) and the smell ( it had garlicky cheesy smell ).
The conversations that we had was rather sparse. I think people were too busy to slice through their pizza and put it in their mouths to talk about politics or the recent Newsweek debacle. Few words were exchanged.
I passed around breath mints afterwards. For some odd reason, my sister’s colleagues didn’t want one. We all needed it since the pizza left a strong smell of anchovies, cheese and garlic in our mouths. I took a couple of breathmints although I’m sure it only had a temporary effect of masking the stench.
People were probably distracted or what, but we all left silently afterwards. After we vacated our seats, some eager customers took our place.
I’m so full right now that all I want to do is sleep. But since I’m a certified insomniac, I’ll probably be sleeping much later.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Be Serious!

You will notice something about weak people.
They use weak language!

They use certain words a lot … like "TRY" …
"I'll TRY to lose weight."
"I'll TRY to get out of debt."

The minute someone says, "I'll TRY",
you know that they are only half serious.

When friends say, "I'll TRY to be there",
you know they won't show up!

Our words tell people how determined we are.

Parents who tell their children,
"TRY to be quiet!"
"TRY to behave!"
aren’t serious!
So what do their kids do?
Whatever they want!

Instead of telling your children - or your staff -
"You must TRY ...", say "You must DO IT!"

Instead of telling yourself "I'LL TRY", tell yourself "I WILL!"
It is challenging - and it will get you much better results …
"I WILL finish this."
"I WILL be happy!"

"I’LL TRY" says, "I'll do this thing if it isn’t too hard."
"I WILL" says, "I’ll do this thing whatever it takes."

This is not a detail.
It's the difference between "casual" and "committed".
Often, it's the difference between success and failure.

If you want people to believe in you -
and if you want to believe in yourself -
you have to sound serious!

Your words shape your future.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Gay Lingo (made in the philippines)

Gay A : “Hoy, Bakla, me That’s Entertainment ka ba?”
Gay B : “Naku, Washington Sycip. Purita Kalaw ang lolah mo ngayon”
Gay A : “Rampa sana aketch. Go Bingo ka, ate?”
Gay B : “ Ayyyy, Wishing, Pagoda Cold Wave Lotion ako.”

Everyone who got what they were saying, raise your hands!

It is true. The propagation of this form of communication is unstoppable. Once the not-so-secret language of homosexuals; gay lingo is no longer exclusive to gays much to our divas dismay. From its grassroots beginnings in obscure parlors around the city it has infiltrated the tri-media and is now being spoken or understood or both by every Juan, Juana, Nene and Boy in the Philippines.

Almost everyone can now speak this once hard to break “gay code of communication”. Well, at least those who will shamelessly and unabashedly admit to it. No one it seems is excluded from the allure of this lingo that is funny and irreverent at the same time. It has become some kind of a secret guilty pleasure.

The first time I heard a gay lingo infused conversation back in 1996, I was confused. I couldn’t get the drift. I was clueless. I was then working in a gay dominated business - entertainment what else - but everyone else seemed to be speaking in this queer tongue; straight men included. To be “in”, one with the family, with the group, you have to speak like one of them. So, I did my part and learned the lessons. In that world, you have to be sharp, witty and fast-thinking. Gay words and terms are being born every minute and thrown from every corner of the room that you have to catch up quickly or forever be lost in the labyrinth. With the right attitude and perseverance, I was gay speaking my way to work in just a few months.

“Pakia-abot ng chuva.”
“Ay, redo the lay-out, Chaka Khan!”
“Josko, ang CR hindi na-flush ha ma-Panjee Gonzales.”
“Hoy, i-ready na ang pang-Janno Gibbs sa press ha”
“Anong oras na ba, Tom Jones na ako e”

If you think about it, gay lingo is nothing but a hilarious play of words. They just add something to the Filipino root word like “Gu”-Tom Jones to mean hungry. Others are just twisted to fit a new meaning like Chaka Khan to mean ugly. Most are just spur of the moment word inventions they decided could be good enough to fill a gap in conversation like chuva and chenes or maybe to define an indescribable event or happening such as ek-ek.

But if you REALLY think about it, it takes intelligence, wit, creativity and a vast knowledge of important and trivial things alike to be able to come up with such terms. Do you know who Menchu Menchaca is? Or Carmen Patena? Do you know where Dakota Harrison is? It takes talent I may say to coin new words that will not only make you laugh but think very hard. Words that are fresh and original. Thought of not in days but in a heartbeat.

To the divas of the lingo, I am but a beginner too, like you. I have much to learn. But my priceless association and friendships with the queer folks and with the help of the internet, I have a vocabulary every newbie would want to have.

Anik / Anetch — ano (what) / which
Balaj — balahura (shameless)
Bitter Ocampo — malungkot (sad) / nagngingitngit (fuming mad) / bitter
Baklah / Baklush — used instead of one’s name, may refer to any gender
Givency / Janno Gibbs / Debbie Gibson — bigay (to give)
That’s Entertainment / Anda / Andalucia / Anju / Anjo YllaƱa — datung (money)
Fatale — sobra (excessive) / to the max
Feel / Fillet o’ Fish — type / gusto / natipuhan (like)
Fly — alis (leave)
Forever — palagi (always) / matagal / mabagal (slow)
Pagoda Cold Wave Lotion — pagod (tired)
Washington / Wishing / Wish — wala (nothing or none)
Chanda Romero — tiyan (tummy)
Mahalia Jackson — mahal (expensive)
Kuya Germs — madumi (dirty) / bearer of germs
Lucresia Kasilag — lukaret / baliw (crazy)
Lucita Soriano — loser na sorry pa
Luz Valdez — matalo (to lose)
Winnie Santos — manalo (to win)
Award — pinagalitan / pinagsabihan (reprimanded)
Freestyle — slow makagets (to understand) / slow
Imbey / Im — imbyerna (irritation)
Jowa / Jowabelles / Jowabella — karelasyon / BF or GF
Kape / Capuccino / Coffeemate — magising ka sa katotohanan (be realistic)
Lupita Kashiwahara — malupit (cruel)
Rita Gomez — nakaka-irita (irritating personality)
Enter the Dragon / Entourage — pasok (to enter) / come in
Julie Andrew / Jolina Magdangal — mahuli (caught in the act)
Antibiotic — antipatika (bitch)
48 Years / 50 Golden Years / 10,000 — matagal (after a long time)
Crayola — iyak (to cry)
Thundercats / Chandeliers / Masyonda — matanda (old people)
Wrangler — gurang (also means old)
Jubis / Juba — taba (fatso)
Jutay / Jutes — maliit (small)
Kangkang — sex
Reyna Elena — ulan (to rain)
X-Men — dating lalaki (formerly a man) now gay
Morayta / Murriah Carrey — mura (cheap)
Pamintang Durog / Pamenthols — closet gays / acting as men
Backstreet Boys — cute boys at the back
Chiminey Cricket — chimay (maid)
Goodbye Suklay — goodbye
Fayatollah Kumenis — payat (skinny)
Anaconda — ahas (a snake) / traitor
Anong petsa na? — asked when someone is taking too long to dress up, etc.
Charing/Tienes — jest / a joke / not serious
Kaplang — mali (error) / mistake
Barbra Streisand / Barbara Perez — bara / binara (bluntly rejected)
Regal Drama Hour / Maalala Mo Kaya — when someone tells a sob story
_______, ikaw ba yan? — when someone acts like another
person, maybe a showbiz personality or not. (example: Vilma Santos, Ikaw Ba yan?)
Purita Kalaw — walang pera (broke) / mahirap (poor)
Rica Peralejo — mayaman (rich, from the Spanish word rica)
Chova / Chovaline Kyle — chika lang (small talk)
Cookie Chua / Cookie Monster — magluto (to cook)
Clasmarurut / Klasmarurut — classmate
Cynthia Luster — hindi kilalang babae o lalake (unknown she or he)
Daot — insulto (insult)
Eksena / Eksenadora — mahilig pumapel / mahilig sumabat (someone who always likes to figure in a scene)
Emote — mag-inarte pa rin (one who is over-acting)
Karir/Career — sineryoso ang isang bagay like BF or work (to be seriously involved)
Lafang — kain (eat)
Lapel — malakas ang boses (someone with a loud voice)
Carry / Keri / Cash & Carry — sige (OK or alright)
Cathy Dennis — “makati” (frisky) or promiscuous
Char / Charot / Charing / Charbroiled — not ok
Liberty / Statue of Liberty — libre (free)
Okray — paninirang puri (criticize)
Lucky Home Partner — live-in partner
In Fairness — pampalubag loob (to console)
Compared to Lugaw — kesa wala (better than nothing)

Blame it on the ‘Parlor-ista gays”. Blame it on those showbiz writers. Blame it on those rampant showbiz talk shows. Blame it on the bar girls of Manila even. But truth be told, gay lingo/swardspeak/gayspeak is now in the mainstream of Filipino consciousness and communication and shows no sign of fading. As every day, a new term is coined, the vocabulary expands and may one day grow into a language on its own.

On that note, I suggest you print this article and keep it in your pocket. The next time you’re in the Philippines, bring it out with your English-Filipino Translation booklet. Believe me, you will thank me later.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

nice defination....... funny!

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc .: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

tuyo, tinapa & galonggong

Let me tell you a story. Three construction workers were on top of theirhalf-finished skyscraper. Rrrrring!" the lunch bell sounded, and the threemen sat on a steel beam jutting out of the 56th flo or with their lunchboxes in hand.The first guy opens his and groans in exasperation, "Tuyo!" There is not aday that I don't get tuyo for lunch!" He turns to his buddies andannounces, "Mark my words. If I still get tuyo tomorrow, I'm going to throwmyself from this building."The second guy opens his lunch box and moans,
"Tinapa". Everyday, I gettinapa!" He looks at his friends and declares, "Believe me when I say this.If I get tinapa tomorrow, I'm going to jump and kil! l myself."The third guy opens his lunch box and it was his turn to despair."Galunggong" . All I get is galunggong!" I'm telling you, if I still getgalunggong tomorrow, I'm going to jump from this building and die."The next day, the lunch bell rings and all three men are again seated onthe 56th floor. The first guy opens his lunch box and starts crying,"Tuyoooooo!" And so he jumps and crashes on the ground.The second guy opens his lunch box
and wails loudly, "Tinapaaaa!" And healso hurls himself off the building and dies.The third guy opens his lunch box and screams, "Galunggonggggg! " And so hetoo jumps off the building and splatters on the ground.Days later, during the funeral of the three men, their three wives embraceand weep together. The first wife cries out, "I didn't know my husbanddidn't like tuyo anymore! Why didn't he tell me? If only he told me, Iwould have prepared something else."The second wife echoes her statement, "Yes! If only I knew, I would havecooked something else, not tinapa!"The third wife, between sobs, speaks up, "I don't know why my husbandkilled himself." The two wives look at her curiously."Why?"She went on, "Because ... my husband prepares his own lunch everyday..."I love this crazy story because it presents a very important truth: all ofus prepare our own lunch. If we don't like our jobs, if we don't like thestate of our relationships, if! we don't like what's happening to ourspiritual lives - we have no one to blame but ourselves. Because God hasgiven us free will. He has given us the power to prepare our own lunch.If you want to earn more and be free from debt, if you're sick
and tired ofyour bad habits, if we want to put more joy in our marriages, if we want togrow in our relationship with God - then go back to your kitchen andprepare yourself another dish. Because you design your own future. Youcreate your own destiny. Ask yourself what kind of future do you want tohave? What kind of life? What kind of eternity? You decide.

Monday, November 3, 2008

the philippines........

When I travel, people often ask me why I live in the Philippines ?
Well here it is...
It is the only place on earth where......
1. Every street has a basketball court.
2. Even doctors, lawyers and engineers are unemployed.
3. Doctors study to become nurses for employment abroad.
4. Students pay more money than they will earn afterwards.
5. School is considered the second home and the mall considered the third.
6. Call-center employees earn more money than teachers and nurses.
7. Everyone has his personal ghost story and superstition.
8. Mountains like Makiling and Banahaw are considered holy places.
9. Everything can be forged.
10. All kinds of animals are edible.
11. Starbucks coffee is more expensive than gas.
12. Driving 4 kms can take as much as four hours.
13. Flyovers bring you from the freeway to the side streets.
14. Crossing the street involves running for your dear life.
15. The personal computer is mainly used for games and Friendster.
16. Where colonial mentality is dishonestly denied!
17. Where 4 a.m. is not even considered bedtime yet.
18. People can pay to defy the law.
19. Everything and everyone is spoofed.
20. Where even the poverty-stricken get to wear Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger (peke)!
21. The honking of car horns is a way of life.
22. Being called a bum is never offensive.
23. Floodwaters take up more than 90 percent of the streets during the rainy season.
24. Where everyone has a relative abroad who keeps them alive.
25. Where wearing your national colors make you baduy.
26. Where even the poverty-stricken have the latest cell phones. (GSM-galing sa magnanakaw)27. Where insurance does not work.
28. Where water can only be classified as tap and dirty.
29. Clean water is for sale (35 pesos per gallon).
30. Where the government makes the people pray for miracles. (Amen to that!)
31. Where University of the Philippines where all the weird people go.
32. Ateneo is where all the nerds go.
33. La Salle is where all the Chinese go.
34. College of Saint Benilde is where all the stupid Chinese go and;
35. University of Asia and the Pacific is where all the irrelevantly rich people go.
36. Fast food is a diet meal.
37. Traffic signs are merely suggestions, not regulations.
38. Where being mugged is normal and It happens to everyone.
39. Rodents are normal house pets.
40. The definition of traffic is the 'non-movement' of vehicles.
41. Where the fighter planes of the 1940s are used for military engagements and;
42. The new fighter planes are displayed in museums.
43. Where cigarettes and alcohol are a necessity, and where the lottery is a commodity.
44. Where soap operas tell the realities of life and where the news provides the drama.
45. Where actors make the rules and where politicians provide the entertainment.
46. People can get away with stealing trillions of pesos but not a thousand.
47. Where being an hour late is still considered punctual (Grabe talaga 'to!)
48. Where the squatters have more to complain (even if they do not pay their tax) - than those employed and have their tax automatically deducted from their salaries.
49. And where everyone wants to leave the country!FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT:
1. The sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.
2. Anita Bakery
3. A 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night
4. Barber shop called Felix The Cut;
5. A bakery named Bread Pitt
6. Fast-food place selling 'maruya' (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey.
7. Then, there are Christopher Plumbing
8. A boutique called The Way We Wear
9. A video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental
10. A restaurant in Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken
11. A local burger restaurant called Mang Donald's
12. A doughnut shop called MacDonuts
13. A shop selling 'lumpia' (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll
14. And two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the 'Taglish' (The Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino such as:
15. At a restaurant menu in Cebu "We hab sopdrink in can an in batol" [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].
16. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises - [translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]
There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to 'correct' them like.......
17. In a restaurant in Baguio City , the 'summer capital' of the Philippines : " Wanted: Boy Waitress"
18. On a highway in Pampanga: "We Make Modern Antique Furniture"
19. On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : "We Shoot You While You Wait"
20. And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila : "Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier".
Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression such as:
21. A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: "We Sell Imported Robber Shoes" (these could be the 'sneakiest' sneakers);
22. A rental property sign in Jaro reads: "House For Rent, Fully Furnaced" (it must really be hot inside)!
23. Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique - if not altogether odd. City in southern Philippines which said: "Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation".
24. European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia - which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively - (believe it or not)!
25. Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient. "The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words, "says reader Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign .....House Fersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?
26. According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because "We are a country where a good sense of humor is needed to survive". We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.
Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live?